Stretched

Boy what a month. So many things have been going on that I feel like I’ve literally been stretched apart. May was full of expectations, deadlines, stress, anxiety, and just plain garbage! Lately life has been seemingly growing more into the complex side of things than not, when did things stop being simple? So on a personal note, this brings me to the big topic of my post today.

Friends.

What is a friend? Who is a friend? Am I a friend? Over this last week I’ve done nothing but re-evaluate all of my past and present friend-like relationships, and I realized that it was quite the roller coaster up until now. I got a chance to read a lot of old messages, letters, texts, emails etc. I got in fights, I got annoyed, I became depressed….you name it, but most importantly I got worn out. I’m a fairly straight forward type guy, when I think something it usually just drools right out my mouth before I can think. You might say “at least you’re honest”, but that has seemed to be my own personal downfall. Not everything I say comes out exactly like I mean it, and sometimes I don’t even have the bearings to try. This causes a lot of mixed feelings from the receiving end as you can imagine! I hardly ever try to go out of my way to hurt someone with words, in fact I dislike violence very much so. However, it seems that a lot of the time people do tend to be taken aback by my actions, behavior, whatever you wanna call it. I’ll admit it, when I’m mad I’m like a burning building and the firemen are off duty. I’m sorry about that little part of me, and I’m not good at apologizing.

Next. Now that I’ve had the chance to look at some of my endeavors with others, I’ve come across something very discouraging, and the closest word I can find to describe it is “utility”. Take a friendship you have, and take it apart like you would a clock. You like a person because of their certain traits, they like you back for the same reasons. You have common interests, humor, tastes, etc… In short, you have something they need, and vice versa. These reasons fall under the same reason you might like a certain car, or a genre of music. Of course I would like to think friendship is slightly more complicated then that, but the basic principals are still there.

So what is it that makes friends special, or significant? Was it because they did that one special thing for you? Did they say something that inspired you? Sometimes I have a hard time grasping the whole idea of friends. Mind you I do have friends, I am not a lonely drone (or I hope I’m not O.o), but I really find the interesting part to be how little friends I actually have, and how many fewer I would actually trust with my life.  This I find to be the most fickle thing of all. When you can take a step back and look at a singular friendship that ended in a murky way, you can see the ups and downs (like the roller coaster). I personally discovered while there were more “ups” in my relationships, the small speed bumps though there were few,were ultimately the catalyst of a friendship taking a hit, slowing down, or just flat out ending. Sometimes I wonder if we live in the moment too often, rather than take a look at the larger picture. Are the numerous positive moments in our lives really outweighed by the few negative ones?  How do we even weigh such things? I’m not sure.

As I grow as an artist, I continue to grow as a person. I’m actually pretty young by most standards, so hopefully I’ve got room to learn and grow even more! I’m not sure why I’ve had these thoughts lately, but I wanted to briefly reflect on them, so I can remember them later on, and I’ll give you a big thanks for taking the time to read them!

On a brighter note! Here’s something I just finished recently. It reminds me of the time that things were simply….simple.

-Austin

Reasons

Oh, and here’s something I find to be more than appropriate.

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One thought on “Stretched

  1. This is actually the most interesting and thought provoking blog post I’ve seen yet! It raises some VERY valid and philosophical questions. When you break down a friendship or relationship, there are always utilitarian reasons for why each of you stays with each other. With this utilitarian mindset we could analyze our own friendship. At face value we could deduce that each of us has similar musical tastes and similar goals with music, so our friendship is really a facade for our ambitions with Disforia and musicians ourselves. However, I personally feel that whilst all of that is certainly true, I’ve gotten to know you over the years, we’ve shared experiences, victories and defeats together, and that is bonding. So even if Disforia were to crumble tomorrow I would still consider you a close friend because all we have been through. Hell it’s especially confounding that we’re friends given how turbulent our high school and Prophecy/Aparition years were haha! But yes, to me true friendship is when those utilitarian values can be stripped away and the value of your friend isn’t lessened. Like you, I have only a small number of people I consider FRIENDS. There’s a difference between a friend and a buddy to me, heh.

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